How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize