i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
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It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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