Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize