My Higher Power is John Stamos
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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