Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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