I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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