If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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