we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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