im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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