Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
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All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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