You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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