woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
im on a boat
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