He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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