I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize