My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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