how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
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What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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