Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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