she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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