My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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