So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
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my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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