I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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