My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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