you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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