One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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