id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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