Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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