I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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