I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize