your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
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I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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