hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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