you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My bed smells like the plague
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