i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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