So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
love makes seman taste better
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Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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