Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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