just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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