she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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