Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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