Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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