This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
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Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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