I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
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Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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