nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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