Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
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We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm always down for nudity.
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