My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
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Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize