I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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