While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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