There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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