took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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