It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
tell me about the eggs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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