I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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