last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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